The Top 10 Signs Youre Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters out ofa magazine with pinking shears, and theyre all the same
size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-
sharp rows.
9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dogs water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks
exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-
over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham
cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite
tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-
crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakeable aroma of potpourri follows you even
after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has
been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always
includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by
doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
and, the Number 1 Sign Youre Being Stalked by
Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.
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